Maybe
by urisarang
Summary: Superman Returns Fanfiction. Clark/Richard. Clark reflects on his past and all the maybes, the what ifs that could have changed the outcome of his life. Sappy Sweet crap m/m


When I first saw the picture with you two together it cut me, it hurt me more than I knew. If I had only known it would take me so long...but its too late now that she is with you. I tried to hate you. I brushed off every word you said, snorted at your boasting of flight, ignored all your attempts to be friendly. But somehow you didn't care, you didn't lose interest like any other would. Time after time you would make conversation, going out of your way to see me, you even tried to get to know me. I didn't realize then you honestly wanted a friend, that you weren't just rubbing my nose in what I couldn't have.

Soon I couldn't even pretend to hate you, Lois was right, you are a good man. Not once did you snap at me when I really deserved it. Slowly without realizing it I would seek out your company, just to be near someone who wanted to get to know me, really know me and not just take me at face value. It became harder and harder to hide my secrets, without meaning to you'd get so close to the truth. Soon I wouldn't be able to lie and it scared me. What could I do? I couldn't avoid you even if I wanted to, and I didn't. I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried your voice alone would make me want to see you and when I would give in and see you...you'd always give me a big smile and I could see it in your eyes that you were genuinely happy to see me.

Then it it happened one day, we were alone in the office working late into the night, even Lois had long left for home. You were busy typing up something but suddenly stopped, hands left hovering over the keyboard. I couldn't see your face but I could tell something was wrong, you were so tense and quiet. Frowning I went over to your desk.

"Hey Richard, how is the article going?" I asked calmly without stuttering as you had long since broken me of keeping up that facade. I became worried when I saw you jerk slightly in your chair at my voice. I could hear you trying to hide the sound of a deep irregular breath, but nothing escapes me. You sighed slightly before turning to face me, showing me eyes that should never be filled with sorrow and yet were.

"Lois left me." You said simply, vainly attempting to sound okay. I know you're not, I could see your pain as clearly as you could see through me. I knelt down next to you at your desk and without a word wrapped my arms around you. You stiffened at the unexpected, but softened at the touch you desperately had needed. Slowly you relaxed your hastily built walls, letting out the sorrow of your loss. I held you while you let the hurt out and I could feel you start to cry rabbling out the details.

Its not long before you were clutching at me, desperately seeking someone who cares, needing to know you are still worth love. You are, you have mine, maybe you always did. I honestly don't know, but I know that I cared and cared deeply. I clutched on to you just as desperately once I realized it was me who has cause you to hurt, if it weren't for me you could still have the woman you love...a child of your own.

"I'm so sorry, oh Richard I am so sorry." I whispered out throat catching with held back tears.

"Its not your fault...its just...its mine. I should have seen it coming...I should have known this would happen." Your words cut right into my heart! How could you know? How could you think it was your fault when it was all mine, everything you treasure I have taken away. I actually started to cry at the thought of Jason, oh god I was even going to take your son.

"No, Richard, it really is all my fault, I'm so sorry. I don't deserve your friendship." Tears slid down my cheeks freely. Hand shaking I reached up sliding my glasses off and dropping them to the floor. Tears flowed out of my now tightly closed eyes at what I have done and what I am doing now. I was scared, so scared of losing you, but I had no right to even be your friend. The betrayal and all the lies I told to you each and every day. I didn't deserve the honor of being your friend, I'm so sorry.

Forcing myself to open my eyes was probably one of the single most difficult things I've ever had to do in my entire life, I dared not face you. It would break me to see your hurt, the betrayal in your eyes, and then your hate. I deserved it all, and more but it scared me that this is how you would find out. Its not how it was supposed to be, none of this was. I could feel your breath on my face, we were so close but I'm about to tear us apart.

My eyes finally slid open not to face hurt or anger, but a knowing look full of sorrow and understanding. Before I could say anything you silenced my lips with your finger and just nod at me, as if you always knew and still didn't hate me.

I really didn't deserve you. A choking sob escaped me freeing more tears, but you just smiled that sad knowing smile and moved your finger from my lips to brush away my tears with your thumb. Your hand stayed on my face warming my chilled skin as you slowly caressed the trails left by tears. Confused, I looked deep into your eyes searching for what you were feeling, what you were thinking. I could see a spark, just a glimmer of something good in all the sorrow. I longed to see that glimmer grow brighter, anything to sooth the pain I've caused.

I honestly don't know why I thought it would help, maybe it was some sort of telepathy, or some deeper connection but I did it. Thinking of nothing but healing your pain I leaned in slowly, I could feel you pulling me in. Our lips were a breath away, staring into each others eyes, I watched as the sorrow receded letting the island of hope grow. Your warm breath mingled with my own, for a long moment we stayed that way.

Thinking back I can't remember if it was you or it was me who moved the last bit closer bring our lips together, maybe we both did, I'll never know. The contact was a spark that lit the fire, a burning rush of need in both of us. Feelings of hurt, sorrow and regret transposed into the simple need to feel, to be wanted to be needed. If I were any other man your frantic clutching and griping would have hurt, left a mark. I maintained my perfect control like I always must, but the need for more drove me to the edge of it. It was all I could do to hold on.

Panting for air you broke away from the scorching kiss, I felt so dirty, like I was using you and your loss to get what I want. I wanted you, but this was so wrong! I couldn't be the one to step in! I broke it all in the first place! My thoughts must have shown on my face, you gave me a smile I now know was meant only for me before leaning in to kiss me again.

Maybe it was wrong, maybe I shouldn't have, but just maybe it was okay? Maybe it wasn't so wrong, maybe this was just right. I'll never know if it wasn't right, you never gave me the chance, when you kissed me knowing everything and still wanting me I knew I could never let you go. Morals be damned.

This is a crazy world for us to find each other and fall in love like that, but just maybe it will be perfect. Pulling back for breath again, you stared deeply into my eyes showing me the same fears and thoughts that plagued me, but your eyes sparkled so very brightly.

"Clark" It was the way you said my name, that you knew the real Clark behind it all. Not the made up superhero, or the facade of a news reporter...you knew me and maybe just maybe you loved me.

Years later I am still unsure how we managed to make it work, and yet we did. Never in all my dreams did I think I would meet someone like you, someone who knows me better than I know myself. I don't know how in this world I got so lucky to find you and have you after so much confusion, I do know that I love you, and I'll never stop even with you gone.

The years spent with you at my side, raising our son I will always treasure. I will never forget you, you have done so much for me I only hope that I showed you each and everyday how much you meant to me...how precious you were. I am so very lucky that I can see you, a little piece of you everyday when I look at our son...he's so like you, the hero, a true hero who fights against all odds to protect those he cares for even knowing he's mortal and can fall.

You have saved me countless times and even now your words guide me. Richard, you will always be the true hero, my love.


End file.
